The older I get, the more I realize I have no idea what I am talking about. Waiiiiiit, what?

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

In her shoes

I can't put my finger on the grief at times. It is hard to figure out how you feel, and sometimes you think "i'm ok" and then it will just hit you. I went to the Walk to Remember on Saturday with Kerry and my Mom and Kerry's mother in law Beverly I thought I was going mainly to show support to Kerry. Even though I grieve for Ellie as the rest of my family does, I know that as sad as I am about it, it doesn't compare and is different to what Kerry is going through. Because of that, I feel that I would chop off a limb (or something similarly extreme) if it somehow could support her or help her through this. So I went to the Walk thinking it was to support Kerry, but as we stood there listening to the Pastor speaking at the beginning of it (the same one who did Ellie's baptism at the hospital), I cried (not surprisingly, lots of tears at this event). And I wondered, though not surprising, why is it that I am crying? I supposed that I was crying because I miss Ellie, because it hurts to think about losing her and what Kerry and Seth go through everyday. These things I have considered and thought about often, I mean, grief is a similar process no matter who it is you lose, but there is something different about losing a baby. We got to meet Kerry's friend Laura, who she was introduced to after Ellie passed away. Laura also lost her daughter Brigit and has been unbelievably supportive to Kerry. Saturday was the first time they met face to face. She shared her experience with us and I think it was then that I started to understand something important for myself. I cannot, without actually experiencing it, completely understand what she is going through. No matter how many books/stories of loss I could read or watch, it is a fine line between trying to empathize and hurting myself trying to empathize on a level that is impossible to achieve. Not sure if I'm making total sense here, its just that you feel like you would do anything to help a loved one who is hurting, and in this case I felt like if I just read enough about other people's experiences of loss (which takes its toll emotionally), I would be able to be there for her better, but I understand now that this is not true and I should not try so hard to put myself in her shoes. I know she doesn't wish for me to be there (in her shoes that is). So anyways, that's all I got tonight, till next time...


  1. I feel the same way, topped with thoughts that I should be able to help ease the pain, along with the maddening thoughts as well. I did see though, something beautiful on Saturday that warmed my heart with gladness, I saw that warm, gleaming smile on Kerry's face that I haven't seen since September...and that smile has been a glow in my heart for it shows hope, and the understanding of how much people can really help each other by just being there. Kerry connected face to face with another beautiful caring Mother who walked that walk, and continues to walk...with the hidden pain that we all can imagine, as she too follows the road ahead, the road none of us ever even imagined. We will never forget Ellie, her beautiful face, sweet lips, cute toes and fingers that are surely playing piano surround by our families above. And I pray that every day, just one ounce of the pain will turn into tender memories that won't hurt as much, as we continue to mourn our sweet baby Ellie, and pray for strength for her loving parents. You made complete sense Jenny, and I am so grateful that Kerry has all of you who continue to help by understanding and of the greatest gifts of all.

  2. I think about that all the time. I can't imagine any of it. Lots of love to you all.