The older I get, the more I realize I have no idea what I am talking about. Waiiiiiit, what?

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

If I had a million dollars...

If I had a million dollars, I'd stay home with Quinn, make amazing dinners for Jamie and find cool and fun things to do with my favorite neighbors on the days where it feels especially rainy. And while Quinn was napping, I'd listen to music and write about how much I love it. I always thought a great superhero power would be to instantly bestow upon people the perfect song for whatever moment they were in. Sometimes it just has a way of letting everything out for you when you are too tired, busy and sometimes afraid to do it yourself.  And while this song may or may not fit that category for you, I heard it for the first time today on the way to work and it hit me and I instantly loved it. It is a sad song about saying goodbye, even if you subtracted the lyrics, I think the same emotion comes through, which makes me extra love it.  That is all <3

Katie Herzig - Wish You Well

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

In her shoes

I can't put my finger on the grief at times. It is hard to figure out how you feel, and sometimes you think "i'm ok" and then it will just hit you. I went to the Walk to Remember on Saturday with Kerry and my Mom and Kerry's mother in law Beverly I thought I was going mainly to show support to Kerry. Even though I grieve for Ellie as the rest of my family does, I know that as sad as I am about it, it doesn't compare and is different to what Kerry is going through. Because of that, I feel that I would chop off a limb (or something similarly extreme) if it somehow could support her or help her through this. So I went to the Walk thinking it was to support Kerry, but as we stood there listening to the Pastor speaking at the beginning of it (the same one who did Ellie's baptism at the hospital), I cried (not surprisingly, lots of tears at this event). And I wondered, though not surprising, why is it that I am crying? I supposed that I was crying because I miss Ellie, because it hurts to think about losing her and what Kerry and Seth go through everyday. These things I have considered and thought about often, I mean, grief is a similar process no matter who it is you lose, but there is something different about losing a baby. We got to meet Kerry's friend Laura, who she was introduced to after Ellie passed away. Laura also lost her daughter Brigit and has been unbelievably supportive to Kerry. Saturday was the first time they met face to face. She shared her experience with us and I think it was then that I started to understand something important for myself. I cannot, without actually experiencing it, completely understand what she is going through. No matter how many books/stories of loss I could read or watch, it is a fine line between trying to empathize and hurting myself trying to empathize on a level that is impossible to achieve. Not sure if I'm making total sense here, its just that you feel like you would do anything to help a loved one who is hurting, and in this case I felt like if I just read enough about other people's experiences of loss (which takes its toll emotionally), I would be able to be there for her better, but I understand now that this is not true and I should not try so hard to put myself in her shoes. I know she doesn't wish for me to be there (in her shoes that is). So anyways, that's all I got tonight, till next time...

Thursday, May 26, 2011

A day off...sort of

Today turned into an unexpected "day off". Without boring you with all of those details, of course, that is a good thing. Now, for obvious reasons, I don't want to complain about the adjustments of parenthood. I take them all gladly. But they are adjustments, and I feel strongly as though I am failing at making some of them. For instance, getting anything done. The weekend seems like barely enough time to get the basics done, and when Monday comes, I am usually frustrated because the To Do list has barely been touched (if at all) and I am still tripping/cursing over the same laundry basket full of clean clothes in the middle of our bedroom floor wondering if I will ever have my $#@! together. For me to be productive, I have to get on a roll, and we are finding that hard with Quinn. I know its not just us, my sister (who has taken care of many kids) and my Mother have commented several times that getting anything done while watching her is borderline impossible. The purchase of the "Friendly Toys Playzone" (basically, a playpen/baby gate/baby jail) will hopefully help with that as we can put Quinn in it and feel safe walking away for more than 10 seconds without worrying about her safety (She is quite enamored with outlets, the TV, and all other objects that are not considered toys and can be considered dangerous). So far, she seems happy playing in it, just need to keep enough toys in it to keep her occupied. Now, don't get me wrong, I didn't buy it with the intent of placing her in it and walking away for an hour to do chores. But I might be able to load the dishwasher or vaccum  or some other fairly quick task that will help prevent the house from becoming a giant trip hazard. And then when she finally drifts off to sleep at night, we might be able to cross something off the to do list and by the time the weekend comes, get to enjoy the time together. Wow, I really have a lot riding on the Friendly Toys Playzone. You get what I'm saying right? So today was a triumph because in addition to getting my car inspected and registered, I got to clean it (inside and out), came home and cleaned the house up with Jamie and then the three of us went to the beach. It was awesome! We are on a roll! After dinner, I might have a basketball workout with Kerry (Want a laugh? Come watch me attempt to exercise!). That's next on my list of momentum, exercise. I mean, people do it, right? Work full time, commute 100 miles a day, spend quality time at end of day with baby and spouse, and exercise, right? Am I the only one who finds this IMPOSSIBLE? Maybe its the negative implication of IMPOSSIBLE. I will work on that next. Anyways, it was a great day. I hope we are onto something here, figuring out how to get things done AND enjoy the day together...and maybe, just maybe, some exercise too:)

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Super Bouncy Balls

It is Wednesday (wait, is it Wed or Tues, hold on, yes it's Wednesday) night. There was driving and traffic and work and then (thankfully) playtime/bathtime/bedtime for Quinn. Jamie is making dinner and I am here in front of the computer. It is quiet. What do I do? There is a list 20 items long on the whiteboard in the kitchen of things that need to get done, but the truth is, this time of day, I'm almost done being awake, let alone productive. So what do I do with this time? I thought by this point, I'd be on some kind of exercise schedule so I don't hurt myself playing softball this summer. Maybe the longer daylight will help with that. But I am slowly remembering, in addition to all these things vital to my day (not the least of which are my husband and daughter), there has to be some time for reflection. Much has happened this year to ponder and sometimes you just have to sit for a moment with your thoughts and just let them come, or else they just bounce around in your head like one of those Super Balls you get out of a gumball machine at the supermarket. I bought two snazzy notebooks this week. One is for a project my sisters and I are working on (more on that later), and the other is for writing down those frantically bouncing thoughts. I should do it in an effort to level out my brain. I can't write everything I'm thinking here, that takes too much analysis of what I'm comfortable pondering aloud to this internet place to be therapeutic. But I do like blogging, so to my thousands of readers, do not fear, my wisdom shall continue to be posted in this spot, stay tuned for more!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

This is it

This has been a sad week. On Wednesday, my sister Juli's good friend Becky lost her life in a house fire. Her mother also died, possibly trying to save her daughter. I can't stop thinking about it, about how tragic it is, how her family must be feeling, how much her friends will miss her. She came with my sisters and I to a concert 2 years ago, it was a really fun time. And I remember during the show, she ran into members of her college sorority and they were so geniunely happy to see her. And this leads me to think of how sad they must be now, as I know Juli is to have lost her. You don't expect these things to happen. Just like we did not expect to lose Ellie six months ago. Those two things are things you think about and think "God, I don't know what I would do...", meaning I don't know how I would cope with something like that. And some people don't, and it is understandable. Those are two heart wrenching, life changing types of losses. But some people do. One step at a time, one moment at a time. It is easy to forget, in the business of daily life, where you plan and schedule, that that thing you are looking forward to 2 months from now might not happen and that you should remember to cherish the simple moment right in front of you. This moment is really all we've got, and we better make the best of it. I know, I'm like a modern day Confucius over here, but this is where I'm at. I used to be all planning and big goals, but now I'm more of a "let's try and head in this general direction while remembering to stop and smell the roses". Some may say that is bad, but after this year, I don't know how I would end up feeling any other way.

That's all for now, check back later in the week for more philosophical gems:)

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Ramblings of a scatterbrain

Like I wrote in the "About Me" section of this blog, I have a lot on my mind and no time to figure it out. I also have no time to write in this blog, which stinks. Two weeks ago we moved into the coolest neighborhood eva, with the coolest neighbors eva, and so, in addition to raising the sassiest sassafrass of a baby that we (and anyone else we know) has ever encountered, we've been unpacking and decorating (with the help of my very talented sister/coolest neighbor eva Kerry Genius and her husband, fellow coolest neighbor eva, Seth the Mighty). So that stuff is all good in the 'hood. Quinn is enjoying her new surroundings, but has become a bit sassier in the last week or so. And by sassy, I mean hard to entertain/please and not afraid to tell us loudly (which isn't so different than her normal self, but she's taking it up a notch). I don't know if she's teething, needs to eat more, just going through a phase, frustrated because she can't quite crawl yet. Just not sure. She has also made the transition into sleeping in her crib at night (instead of with us), which is a big transition. So there's all that stuff to think about. My problem is right now, its hard to complete a thought, so I have all these random things I'm wondering about and if I could just find 20 minutes a day to sit down and think them all out, I think I wouldn't feel like such a scatterbrain. There is always so much to do. I should probably be more organized, and less of a perfectionist, (which I realize sounds strange after I just said I was unorganized, seems like those things don't go together). What I mean is, I think I am guilty of putting things off because I realize I don't have time to complete them/complete them the way I am picturing in my head. At this point in my life, I think I just need to do it and worry about perfection later. And this particular blog entry is the first attempt at actually applying this theory.

Other things on my mind (in no particular order of importance, because that would be me trying to perfect and I don't do that here:) :
Red Sox
Fantasy baseball
Not taking today for granted
Work/life balance
Husband/baby/self balance
Work/life balance

Wow, I'm sensing a theme here. Anyways, since i have resolved none of those other things here at this point, they will be revisited and expounded upon in later blogs, with sage wisdom and a quick wit. And as usual, I have no idea what I'm talking about. At this point, I'm starving and the husband beckons with leftover tacos, so the rambling ends here. Right now. Annnnd go!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Just checking...

When Quinn is sleeping, I check to see if she's breathing. I realize this is normal procedure for parents, especially new ones. Most of the time, I can't see if she's breathing by looking, so I have to put my hand on her belly, which sometimes causes her to stir, but the risk of interrupting her sleep gives me some temporary peace of mind. I wonder sometimes if this is the beginning of the slippery slope that leads to "helicopter parenting", where you are so over involved with everything your child does that they can't function on their own. Of course, I don't want this, but on the other hand, I do. I want her to be safe, always, in everything, and somehow becoming a mother has convinced part of my brain that I can accomplish this (the wild illusion of control, another neat feature of parenthood). The logical part of my brain knows this is not true. I cannot control the universe, therefore I cannot control everything that happens to Quinn. Not a darn thing in this life is guaranteed. We forget this, I think part of us needs to in order to function normally, but when you are going through a loss such as my family is experiencing with the loss of my niece Ellie, you are reminded, somewhat harshly, of the uncertainty of the next moment. That, I believe, can manifest itself in a couple of different extremes. Some people might say "screw it, tomorrow may never come" and take up sky diving and bungee jumping and other things that bring you to the brink. Others might go the other way and become anxiety ridden over the dangers of everyday life. In terms of parenting, it might make you  become extremely overprotective. And then you would tell yourself, and your kid (when they become old enough to complain about the overprotective-ness) that it is only because you love them that you oversee/obsess about every aspect of their day. Really, I'm just talking to myself here. What I'm trying to say to myself is "You can't control everything. Be reasonable. Crazy $#@! happens, whether you obsess about it or you don't. And if, for some reason, you or she leaves this earth in an untimely fashion, she will know that you love her more than EVERYTHING because you have given her billions of kisses and hugs, made up hundreds of silly lyrics with her name in it, read her countless stories, answered her cries with a comforting hand and told her you love her so much, she thinks its part of her name".

That is the best I can do. And despite my best efforts NOT to be overbearingly protective, I'm sure there will be moments when she says "MO-om, come ON, you're acting CRAZY, I'm the ONLY 10 year old I know with TRAINING WHEELS...ON MY BIG WHEEL!!! And in those moments, I'll take a deep breath, try and let go, and pray to God that she remembers the silly songs and the kisses and hugs <3